I am a girl in her late teens (19, specifically) with a boyfriend of the same age. I've been pretty sexually aware since I was quite young but to this day have yet to reach an orgasm (even through masturbation). I've been in multiple relationships before- both guys and girls. However, I've only ever reached complete sexual intimacy with my current boyfriend of three years. I absolutely adore him, love him and sometimes even obsess over him; but ironically I'm pretty chill of a person, as in I'm not overly protective, demanding or anything of the sort. Things are pretty open and easy going with us and we speak about everything- even this.
The problem essentially is that I'm having difficulty in actually performing intercourse. I'm entirely enticed by the idea of sex and I know I want it too- I feel excited, my body reacts excitedly (that buzzing need down there) and I fantasize pretty much along the same amount a boy going through puberty would.
But when it comes to penetration and prolonged sexual arousal (by prolonged I mean more than that instant where my body feels excited) I have difficulties. I dont really feel aroused by porn or admittedly physical engagement, though I fantasize about it with him all the time. Being with him physically does excite me a little but it dims down again as soon as we move to genital stimulation. Penetration of any kind can be painful for me, and it gets really painful at times because I just dont stretch out. Though I have had penetrated sex with him, and he's orgasmed, it is difficult for me to get accustomed to the lingering pain that prevents from experiencing complete pleasure. I do feel pleasured while we have sex, but the pain still exists. I was close one time to orgasming, I could feel a slow build up (it was a second time go) but most all the time there is no build up or maybe it just takes a lot for me to get aroused.
Yes, Ive considered lube, but its too costly in my country. We dont use Vaseline or anything cause he fears the condom reacting badly with the chemicals.
I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression (I get panic attacks) but with him I am genuinely calm and consciously make the effort to relax my always tensed up body. Im really unsure about what's causing me to not enjoy this as much as I want to and know I can.
Sorry this was such a long read,