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For the first time I turned to internet for some advice. I am in such a complicated situation in my life today. Atleast that is what I feel.I will try to be short but need to share some background to understand my complexity.

I am married 10 years back and have 2 lovely kids. Ours was early arranged marriage while I was in my graduation and did not have much of those newly married couple fun, I got pregnant in 3 months and the planned honeymoon trip also was cancelled. I feel slightly jealous when I see some young couples for this reason. devil But after 5 years, my husband got an onshore opportunity from his company and we moved out of India with our 2 kids. I must say first year after moving was best time of my life as there were no family botherations like back in India, we had more freedom for us and we did manage some travelling despite my daughter being just 1 year old then. 

I dont know how and when but slowly there were ruptures in my relation with my hubby. I refer him as J now. I adjusted with many things but at some point even I had to push back. I was encouraged or more really talking forced to work to meet additional income with growing kids. But I did not get enough support at household works. He was very strict with kids on studies and he was sitting until 10 in night with my son who was just 6 years old even when he wanted to sleep and force him to keep reading. When I objected he shouts on me and lectures about career. That is just an example on his behavior, many things added including some unacceptible for a woman and cooked for 2 years. But long story short, one night after our parent's visit and return to India we had a huge argument, he asked me to leave his home. I know he is not bad as a individual person. Many of our relatives dont believe at all if we say about him. But things between us were not working out and my self respect got badly hurt that night. I said to him I will be leaving home next morning as I cannot leave at 2AM and I will never talk to him in life. This happened one and half year ago and I never talked to him again though we meet every weekend for our kids. Our families do not know about this yet. 

Next morning at 6 AM we had our family friend, I will call him R here, rang our doorbell. Itseems J, my hubby, called him and asked to help me to move out. At that second, my last little hope for my married relation was gone. I did not utter a word, asked R for one hour, packed all my things, took my kids and followed him. 

About R, we got introduced as he was the manager of the client company where my husband worked. He is quite soft, gentleman and yet energetic. Our relation quickly grew due to his friendly attitude to my husband despite being client and he loved the spicy food we cook. He was asking himself and coming to our home for food. My husband was happy too, R actually saved his job in some tough situations, as client he had more power than J's managers too. R was divorced and has 2 kids that were living with his ex-wife. They used to visit him during holidays and sometimes they were spending day time at our home. My son was same age as his younger son. As they didnt have mother for that time, I was also taking care of some small things for them.They all went well and we as families got very close.

That morning R took me and my kids to his home. He was expecting this is a one or two day issue. But after a week, I requested him to find a flat for me to rent. He talked to my husband and though J did not talk to me, he sent the message with R that I should come home. I insisted on living separately and luckily we could find a flat in same complex where R lives. It was a lot of support for me in the unknown country. 

During this one and half year, I am grateful to R for all the help he extended to me and my kids. I was financially independent but you know we need a support as a human being. That is what R gave without any politics or complications. Whenever I ask for a help, it is done without any questions or comments and he left. I know all of that is discussed between him and my husband. Even R said to me many times, this is what J is saying about this situation. But I dont care. 

We were good friends before, but since start of this support we turned out to be best friends. He now knows all about my family back in India, he understands my every thought even before I say. He is not just an advisor but did things for me.  I could talk to him recently even things I could talk only to my closest female friends. After few months, with the closeness, I didnt feel awkward when he said or laughed loud at some adult jokes. In the beginning he used to come every evening to our flat, used to have dinner with us as I cooked anyway. Later, we used to meet atleast once or twice in the evenings in weekdays. When his kids came, we all used to go to his home for dinner. Meanwhile we agreed that my husband comes and stays with us every saturday. After all, I do not want my kids to keep away from their father's support. When he wants to take them to his house, I do not go, just send kids. They come back on Sunday. 

I recognised that some time, dont know when I grew some feelings for R. I convinced myself that am after all a human being. I was 28 when I left my husbands home, that is the age when some girls first fall in love. But I have my family, my kids to take care. I never expressed till today my feelings to him. But to be honest, I did not stop him sometimes what I could call as crossing boundary. We talk all things openly when kids are not there. Usually when he comes to us, after kids go to sleep, we watch a movie together or some tv show, have some chat and he leaves to his flat for sleep. Sometimes we both walked to the terrace of our flats, sat there for a couple of hours and chatted about all sorts of things around us. Some of those movies obviously have adult content, initially we were feeling discomfort but not anymore. I think about an year back, while he was talking about his ex-wife he was sharing some of his memories where on a holiday how stunning his wife was looking in a white dress they bought that day on a beach. A couple of months later he asked if I can wear that dress on the evening walk we went that day. I wore it without hesitation, at same time I did not miss the charm in his eyes he had that entire evening seeing me. 

Later on, this continued with few more dresses, this time not his wife's but we used to shop when we go out for shopping. After few months some of those even turned out to be what we call "hot". May be common in movies or in western but for me those were absolutely the dresses we wear in the room in front of husband only. We were doing this now and then after kids get to sleep. I will admit, I felt shy but not discomfort with him. Rather I enjoyed a lot his blushing eyes and his reactions.

One evening we had a discussion on some adult relation while watching a movie and ended up kissing each other. I did not object and the liplock went on for about 5 minutes. Then I asked him it is better to leave and he left silently. Next week, one evening he came for dinner and asked if he can stay back for a movie. Once the kids slept, he said sorry and I said its ok, I too enjoyed it lets forget it. He asked if I dont mind if he kisses me today. I said to him I know you share many things here with my husband. Did you share the incident from last week. He said no, how can I. I said thank you and sat next to him as usual as before. That day we did not kiss but later a few times we did. One such evening, his hand went on to my chest and he tried to open the button. I stopped his hand and said lets stop here. I do not want to get married again in my life. He said, he too would never want to marry again. All he is looking is for romance and healthy relationship and I can stop wherever I want. He apologised that he was curious like a man to see a girl. That night on his promise that we wont have sex, I modelled topless in front of him. This happened 3 months back. Till now we did not kiss again, we however got more closer emotionally. 

Last week, he came from work and said J will be taking our kids next weekend and he wont come here. I said fine. He then said why dont we go out for a weekend break. I said what. He started explaining me that I should go out for my good, away from this surroundings and stress and relax a bit. So he booked a hotel in a town 2 hours drive from here. I said no way, I cant do this. He asked what are my concerns. I said about kids, he said J will take them, I talked to him. I asked what? Did you say this to J? To my surprise, he said yes. J is aware that he is planning for a weekend trip for me. He doesnt have an issue. Next concern, staying alone away would end up at sex. He said if I want we will have it. If not, it will never happen, he assures it. 

To be frank I like him very much, if I was not married or if not for my kids he is a perfect husband. But I do not want to marry again in my life. My heart strongly pulls to go out for the holiday break. Though it looks like a small 2 day holiday to next town, it will be a greaaaaaaaaaaaat relief for me from all the stress I had in past months. At the same time, he was also clear he do not want to marry again in his life. He does not have any small intention to marry me. In his words this week, he loves me a lot and strongly wants a relationship with me. I can decide to add sex to it if I want, or romance to it if I want or nothing if I dont want. He is fine with all. 

I am in a conflict now, honestly I am not fully confident if I can behave like I want, if I am spending 2 private days and nights with a person I like so much and supporting me every second of my life. I am also a human being at all, with all natural desires. Last time I had sex with my husband was almost 20 months ago. I heard he is going out already since 3 months of our breakup. Irrespective of sex, I am not sure what will happen later in my relationship with R, if I go with him now. I cannot imagine if something goes beyond, what will my parents and families in India will see it. 

I could not even talk to a cousin of mine, who knows all about me since childhood, as she is from our family and they dont know about our split here. I checked with one of my close friends from college. She took a day and came back with a suggestion that I should go with him, if I really get tempted I should take all precautions to avoid pregnancy and forget the story after we come back. But I am not convinced, I believe my situation is more complex than what she simply saw. So I thought of checking with you the experts here. Please suggest if I should go this weekend with him or not. Will be grateful to you

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1 Answer

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I understood the conflict you are going through after reading this long description. I think love is more important thing than mere sex. If you are already in love with him that is what you should think of. Having sex or not having is not going to make difference. You already told he saw you topless. Issue is how much chances are there you are going to patch up with your hubby. If there are no chances you are more free to take your decision. If you think some time in future you will patch up better to keep away from relation with this guy.
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